Shoe Shopping That Finally Makes Me Excited!

I have something embarrassing but important (I feel, anyhow) to share. I'm not one that is brought to tears easily. I watch emotional movies and don't cry. I hear sad news and while it affects me, I don't cry. But one thing pretty much guaranteed to make me cry has been something else that brings people much joy.
Shoe shopping.
Yes, shoe shopping consistently makes me cry. Trying to find the best sneakers for women in my size was tricky. Even writing this post, my eyes are tearing up. Shoe shopping is a very emotional topic for me.

Growing up, I had larger shoes than my older sister by first grade. By fourth or fifth I already surpassed my mother in size. They jokingly called me Big Foot, because my feet are... well, huge. Size 12.

I knew my feet were large but I never realized how 'strange' or problematic that would be, because I grew up in a predominantly African American area, who on average have larger feet, and we shopped for shoes in Payless shoes who always had a very large selection of shoes in my size. I never minded shoe shopping, in fact, I loved it, until I moved abroad.

And since then, shoe shopping had made me cry.


Locally we use European shoe sizes, and at first I thought my shoe size was 42. I saw so many shops boasting that they sell large sizes... And they went up to size 41. Thanks, but no thanks. They tried to convince me the shoes would stretch. No. Finally I eventually found and I bought size 42 shoes and after purchase realized they were too small. So I ordered a pair of expensive running shoes online in size 43. And they hurt my feet. And I realized they were too small. I was so excited when I found a local shoe store that had size 44 shoes and I bought such a cute pair of flats... That hurt my foot. I had to come to term with the fact eventually that I'm size 45. And the store that carried size 44 did not carry 45.

But even before I realized that, even when I was thinking I could wear size 42 or 43, shoe shopping made me cry. Because the once in a very long time that I found a store that carried (what I thought was) my size, it wasn't in styles I liked. And they were expensive. Oh so expensive. Stores would carry up to size 41 in a style for one price, but the second you went to size 42, that same style shoe was now nearly 50% more.

I can't even count how many times I cried about shoe shopping. I cried because I couldn't find anything my size, let alone something that I liked. I cried that I had to wear shoes I didn't like and spend a fortune on them. It would have been bad enough wearing shoes I didn't like, but it was even worse to need to pay a hefty sum to make myself look ugly.

But I needed shoes desperately, and hence I cried.

Out of frustration and defeat mostly. Because I knew I would pay $100+ a pair for shoes I hated because what choice did I have?

And while I also have frustrations when clothing shopping and I can't find anything that fits because of my large size, at least then I tell myself that if I lost weight I'd be able to find clothes more easily. But I know nothing I can do can make my feet smaller, short of cutting off my toes, which obviously is not something any sane person would do. But it just made me feel hopeless and nothing makes me cry like feeling hopeless and helpless.

Before anyone says 'what about online shopping' I'll tell you that I tried it. Numerous times. I can't count how many pairs of shoes I had people bring me back from the States that didn't work for me, because not only am I an extremely large shoe size, I'm also sort of in between sizes and I really need to try on shoes so I can know if I need a 44 or 45. (I officially am a size 11.5 women, which they don't make, so I wear either large 11s or small 12s, or 12s with straps that keep my feet in place.) And finding shoes in a style I like, even online, has not been easy. I like block heels that are not too high. And not ones that are too open on the top. I finally found a pair of gorgeous shoes exactly my taste that I paid through the nose for and ordered online, and when they arrived, despite saying they were the right size, were too small. But I haven't had the heart to get rid of them...

So what have I been wearing?
Men's shoes.
I've decided if I can't find shoes in my size that I like, I'm not paying a lot for them. I'd rather pay a little for shoes I can tolerate. And so I go shopping at a discount shoe chain and shop in the men's section which fortunately had shoes that aren't completely masculine but can pass as women's shoes. Mainly loafers or similar. I look for the most gender neutral shoes that are inexpensive and go with those. And I tolerate them.

Fortunately last winter I found an online shoe store and took a chance and ordered myself a pair of stylish women's boots in my size that I desperately hoped would fit me because I was so sick of having ugly men's boots. And they've been great and fortunately fit! First pair of shoes in literally 11 years that I liked.

But I still had nothing to wear when I need something fancy. I wear my loafers but feel icky in them when trying to dress up. But what choice do I have?

I had heard from people that in another city in my country there were shoes for women in larger sizes, but I wasn't able to just go to another city and hope I'd find shoes there. But I kept that filed in the back of my mind. And today I ended up traveling to that city for another reason and scoured the internet to find a shoe store with larger sizes for women, and I must say I struck gold.

The proprietress of this lovely shoe store, entirely women's nice shoes, from size 41 to 46

Do you know how nice it is to walk into a store and see so many pairs of nice shoes, and all in your size? If you have normal sized feet you probably take this for granted, but I really don't. After so many shoe shopping trips that I left crying, this time I left with a huge smile on my face.

Because I finally bought myself a pair of nice dress shoes in a style that I like! I don't even care that these shoes are expensive. I knew going on that I'd be paying more for shoes my size if I wanted to have things I liked. But it's not that I'm opposed to spending money in general or on clothes.
What I'm opposed to is spending money on things that don't make me happy. I want my money spent in ways that improve my life. And not wasting it on things that I don't care about. And that's why it was so hard for me to go shoe shopping all those other times. Because I was spending money in a way that didn't align with my values and feelings. I didn't believe that spending money on things that made me feel ugly was a good use of my resources.

 So yes. I spent $115 on this pair of shoes I bought today. But they make me happy and make me feel good about myself, so I have no regrets whatsoever spending this money.

There was another pair of shoes that I tried on and also really liked other than their color. I wanted black but they black ones would only be arriving in 2 weeks. I got put on their list to be notified when there are new arrivals and now I know that if I want to shoe shop and leave happy and not crying, I found a place. Even if it means traveling to another city for them. It's still worth it.

I'm worth it.

I deserve to feel good in what I wear.

And I'm glad I finally found a way that I can do that.

Anyone else relate to my shoe shopping frustrations? What size shoes do you wear? What do you do to find shoes your size?