As the moderator of a support group for women who are divorced, divorcing, or considering divorce, I get a lot of women reaching out to me when they're in unhealthy marriages. They don't know if things are bad enough to leave, if their relationship is actually abusive, etc. I remind these women that a marriage doesn't need to be abusive for it to need to end. Sometimes a marriage, even without abuse, is unhealthy and unfixable.
Some people, though, still think that marriages need to be saved at all costs, as long as there isn't abuse. But there are so many misconceptions about abuse. "Did he hit you?" is a question women often get asked when thinking of leaving. That, by far, is not the only metric of abuse. There are so many types of abuse, and physical abuse is just one of them, but all types of abuse are extremely problematic and are enough that a marriage should end, because abusers unfortunately don't change.
When I hear women that are waffling, not sure if what is going in is actually abuse, I recommend they read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, which goes into depth about abuse and different types, what can be done about it, etc. When they read it, I tell them to take a highlighter and mark all the parts that apply to their relationships; this can be very sobering and help them see the truth about their relationship.
One thing Bancroft does is break down abusers into 9 different types, and I wanted to discuss those here.
1. The Demand Man
This is pretty self explanatory. Everything is about them. Their partner needs to take care of all their needs, physical, emotional, financial, etc... and nothing is ever good enough for them. And of course, its is never returned. It's entirely one way. If you feel you can never do enough for your partner, nothing will ever make them satisfied, you might just be in a relationship with a Demand Man.
2. Mr. Right
Mr. Right... also pretty self explanatory. Mr. Right always knows everything, knows all the answers, knows how you should live your life, what you should eat and how, how to raise children, run finances, etc. And only their opinion matters and is correct. They know what is best for you and the relationship, your thoughts feelings and contributions are just always wrong. Mr. Right can have narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, since a narcissist can never admit that they are wrong, lack empathy for others, and try to control every aspect of a relationship.
3. The Water Torturer
Water torture is a slow and steady torture that slowly drives people mad. The water torturer abuser is one of the more subtle and hard to notice types of abuse, because they do things less obvious and smaller things that wear you down, the constant stream of criticism and comments making you feel worthless and doubting your self worth, instincts, etc. Guilt tripping, passive aggressive behavior, belittling remarks, etc... these are their tools. Because of how complicated this one is, specifically, I recommend that you read this section within the book, so you can understand it well, if you have even the slightest suspicion that that is what you're going through.
4. The Drill Sergeant
Is your partner showing you "tough love", always trying to "fix you" by barking orders at you, criticizing every mistake, putting you down, because "with enough criticism you'll be better"? They might act like they're helping you because "they just want you to be the best you can be" "because they love you", but really their criticism is an attempt to control you and undermine your confidence.
5. Mr. Sensitive
Does your partner wear his heart on his sleeve, and get hurt easily? It might just seem innocent at first, but he's using his emotional reactions to control you. He plays the victim constantly and then holds you to blame for his hurt feelings. You can never point out any shortcomings or bad actions of his because you "make him feel bad" and you end up apologizing for hurting him. He guilt trips you and completely neglects your emotional needs.
6. The Player
I've seen questions asked so many times about whether people should forgive their partner after cheating. Players can be really charming, but they aren't faithful. They can use infidelity to bolster their ego and seek validation from others. No, this isn't just about their "wanting freedom", it's manipulation to avoid being held accountable for their behaviors. Sometimes people say things like "but he's really sorry; he won't ever do it again". That isn't true. According to a survey of around 2,000 dating app users, cheating isn’t always accompanied by guilt—many people feel little to no remorse for their actions. They don't respect your boundaries, your feelings, or your relationship, and when called out on it, they turn it around and accuse their partners of being paranoid, or that it's their fault; they are expert gaslighters. This type of partner often views relationships as a game or an opportunity to boost their own self-worth at your expense. If you’re wondering how to tell if your partner is cheating, a Player might be secretive about their whereabouts, be emotionally distant, being secretive, etc. But don't just take cheaters back- cheaters don't change. And it needs to be called out like it is- cheating is abuse.
7. Rambo
Rambo is a tough guy and is intimidating and he uses it in order to get their way. They think the fact that they're stronger, either physically or emotionally, gives them the right to have their way. Might makes right in their head. They may claim that they're just "trying to protect you" but it's about dominance and control, not love. They use fear as a way to "keep you in line."
8. The Victim
Is your partner never at fault for anything, and it always is someone else's fault? Everything in life is the fault of something or someone else for the victim. There's absolutely no accountability for their actions ever. It's either the fault of their childhood, their past, their parents, or you. But they'll never own up to their own mistakes. And depending on how it is done, especially if combined with the other types of abuse, such as the water torturer, you likely will start to take responsibility for everything and internalize it all, and constantly try to fix things that aren't your responsibility.
9. The Terrorist
This type of abuser uses fear and intimidation to control a relationship. They blow up over negligible issues, so the house is in a constant state of emotional chaos. You never know when the next explosive reaction will be, so you're constantly on edge. They might make threats, use violence, or even just an environment where you never know what will happen, so you never feel safe or at ease.
Note, in none of these did the guy "hit her". But that doesn't mean that these don't cause so many problems. Of course, most abusers aren't just one of these types; they often are a combination of them.
Educate yourself. Educate your children about what different types of abuse can look like. Because these types of abuse can happen in other relationships as well. And if you aren't sure if you're in an abusive relationship, please pick up "Why Does He Do That?" That book can be life changing.