My New Favorite Parenting Purchase- a CBT Cognitive Distortions Chart

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy used to treat different mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more. It works by noticing and stopping the cycle of negative thought patterns, which helps people individuals manage stress, improve their coping skills, and in general improve their mental health. While I haven't done CBT therapy, I have done DBT therapy, which is an offshoot of CBT that was designed to help people like myself with borderline personality disorder.

One of the things that CBT talks about, which is one of the most useful and important things for even laymen to understand is the concept of cognitive distortions, when your brain lies to you, or as this chart refers to it, "Thinking Errors". 

I had a great book written for kids that helps children learn CBT skills, which I liked to use to help my kids when they were having a hard time, but when it became public knowledge that the author of the book was a serial abuser and rapist, I couldn't keep the book and got rid of it, despite it feeling like a big loss. I found a few other books that approached the topic for kids, such as Me and My Feelings, The Worry Less Book, and When Carly Had Anxiety, and they were great, and my kids who needed it read them, but they didn't fill the hole left by the other book.

One thing I missed most was the handy list of frequent cognitive distortions that I could go through with the kids, on their level, when they were having a hard time. Because sometimes, the best way to deal with our brain lying to us, is calling it out on its lies. More on that below. So I'd search for the list on my phone as needed to go through with the kids. But having it printed out in front of me seemed best and most useful. 

I decided to try my luck to see if such a thing existed, and voila, found this. It's a kid friendly chart that lists and simply explains different cognitive distortions that you could hang up or stand up on a desk. I saw it and I knew I'd be buying it and putting it to use in my house.

When my kids are having a hard time, whether it is anxiety, depression, anger, or if they are having other really big feelings that they're having a hard time handling them, I first try to just let them feel their feelings and empathize with them. Then, if they need help calming down, I ask them if they want my help, and if they do, this is one of the things I do with them. 

I remind them that sometimes when we have strong feelings, our brain lies to us and we have to call it out, and this list reminds us of some of the ways we possibly are being lied to. I also try to do this for myself sometimes, but I've been doing it long enough that often I can catch these before they go too far.

Here's what the chart says, as well as my own explanation, and examples for each one, one applicable for kids and one for adults.

Polarized Thinking. Also known as black and white thinking. Something is either all bad or all good, with no middle ground or shades of grey.

• "This teacher disciplined me today, therefore, she's a horrible terrible person."
• "I can't understand this math problem; I'm stupid and will never be successful."

Catastrophizing. Also known as fortune telling. Predicting the future, and it will be horrible.

• "I made a mistake at work today; everyone will hate me and I'll be fired,"
• "If I tell my friend something personal about myself, she'll hate me and never want to be my friend again."

Mind Reading. Assuming you know what is in someone else's head.

• "She didn't say hello when she passed me; she must be angry at me."
• "The whole class thinks I'm stupid."

Mental Filter. Seeing everything through a negative lens and ignoring any positive in a situation.

• "That party was horrible, I didn't get to sit next to the person I wanted to sit next to." Completely forgetting about the people they enjoyed talking to and the food they ate and the games they played. 
• "My boss said I'm disorganized; I'm failing at my job." Completely ignoring all the praise they got for their hard work, and all their job successes.

Overgeneralization. Assuming that because one time something went a certain way, it'll always happen that way.

• "One time I tripped when I was performing at the talent show in school. I can't ever perform again because I will always mess up, because I did that time."
• "I was in a bad relationship with someone. I won't ever get into a relationship again because they always will be bad."

Emotional Reasoning. Believing something is the truth based on feelings instead of objective evidence.

• "This math problem is making me frustrated. That means I'm terrible at math."
  
• "I'm nervous I haven't heard back yet about my job application. I'm a failure, they hated me, no one will want to hire me because I'm not good enough."

Labeling. Placing a label on yourself or others by generalizing about a specific event or characteristic.

• "I'm a bad kid because I talk in class sometimes."
• "I slept in today. I'm lazy."

Disqualifying the Positive. Disregarding and dismissing the positive of an event or situation. 

• "I won the contest, but it doesn't mean anything."
  
• "I finished my workout and got compliments, but anyone could do that, it isn't special."

Should Statements. Thinking that you or different people's behavior or events should be a certain way.

• "I should enjoy being in crowds; there's something wrong with me that I don't."
• "I should be working harder instead of taking time off."

Personalization. Blaming yourself for other people's actions and situations without considering factors that are out of your control.

• "The teacher made the class stay in from recess and it was all my fault" even when the entire class was misbehaving.
• "My friend canceled on me today; it must be that I'm no fun to be around."

Blaming. Blaming others for something that occured without considering outside influences or your part in the situation.

• "It was your fault I hit you; you were being really annoying."
• "It's the idiot drivers on the road that made me be late to work" even though you slept in and left the house too late.

Unfair Comparisons. To compare yourself or your acheivements to someone else or with unrealistic standards without considering that everyone is unique.

• "There's no reason why I can't make 5 baskets in a single game of basketball; my classmate can."
• "She is able to keep her house clean with her 8 kids, there's no reason why mine should be messy when I only have 4."

As I wrote these, you can probably come up with so many times that you also used these cognitive distortions. It is important to be aware of them all the time and when you notice yourself using them, remind yourself that these are cognitive distortions. For example, I try to catch myself every time I use the word "should" and am getting better there. And fortunately after many years of therapy for my BPD, I am getting much better at not having black and white thinking (one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD) or acknowledging it when someone else points out to me when I'm doing it.

But when you're upset or when your kid is very upset, it can especially help to go over these, and having this list handy helps you go through them one by one. Often many of these can apply.

I'll give an example that came up with one of my kids where I went through these with them and it helped them settle down.

My kid was going to have a friend come over for the first time. But one of their siblings made a mess. This kid started panicking and saying that the friend won't ever want to be their friend anymore once they see how their house is, and their friendship will be over, and then was thinking of canceling on the friend because of that.

Going through the list we were able to see that they were mindreading. They had no idea what the friend would think about a mess, and whether it reflected on this kid. It was catastrophizing, because it was taking the worst possible scenario, the friend would dump them for good because of the mess, when they'd have no clue how it would be, and this was assuming the worst. The should statement of the house should be spotless when my friend comes over. Lastly, disqualifying the positive, of how excited they were about the friend coming over.

Anyhow, I'm just really excited for this. I hope I taught you something new about cognitive distortions and it will help your mental health or your parenting. And if you knew about these, maybe you'd also appreciate having this chart readily available in your home.

Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive distortions? Which one do you find yourself doing the most? Are there any that you catch yourself doing but you are able to stop yourself when you notice them? Do you use these in your parenting your kids? And would you use such a chart in your home?