This post was written by team member, Tracey Marks, a single mother by choice, but is very relevant to moms who are post divorce as well.
Some people may instinctively answer, “Nothing.” Yeah, it’s hard.
So, for all those single parents out there who want to throw something at me just because I’m suggesting it may be great, I feel you. I can rattle off the endless reasons single mothering sucks faster than my toddler can miss the toilet and pee straight onto the floor.
I am not the enemy. I am right there in the trenches with you. I’ve been depressed, overwhelmed, and completely paralyzed when it came to getting my life together more than anyone else I know. That is exactly why writing this list is so important to me.
Yes, being a single mom is damned hard. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But as tough as it is to see through the relentless mountain of laundry, dishes, and mess that only I clean, and through the lonely parenting without a single moment’s break, the truth is, there are perks to our situation that are actually pretty great.
I still hope to find a partner and for my son to have a dad one day. But when that day comes, I know I’ll be giving up some unique privileges that I absolutely treasure.
Team Us
I know parents with partners have wonderful relationships with their children. But when it’s just you and your child, you have a bond that is entirely unique and special.
In our house, I’m not on the “adult team” while my son is on the “kid team.” We are the team.
He actually said it best when we talked about my sister having four kids. After interrogating me about why she had four and not five, he concluded, “They’re four. And we’re two.” But they’re six and we are two. That’s how he views our dynamic because there is a profound truth to it.
In no way does that diminish my parental role. My son is by no means a replacement for a partner, but I know that when a partner does enter the picture, the relationship with my boy will shift, and I’ll have to work hard to preserve this special gift we have.
Quality Time
When you’re a single parent, you only have to take yourself and your little one into consideration when organizing the day. No one else vies for your attention, which means there is wide-open space for them to open up to you.
You can play, read, and create massive living room adventures with nothing but upside-down chairs and your sheets.
Naturally, when we meet up with other families, I tend to hang out with the adults while the kids play together. That’s just what happens. But when it’s just the two of us, I am completely available when he wants to play elaborate imagination games with his toy cars or asks me to enter his world. It is a massive blessing that benefits both of us.
No Need to Compromise
I’ll admit, I like having my ideas validated. It’s hard not having someone to share major parenting decisions with. Should I ignore the fact that he just bumped his head because he seems fine? Which kindergarten should I choose? Muddling through these questions alone because I am the sole person responsible is incredibly hard.
But I also get to do things exactly the way I want. I don’t need to ask permission, and I don’t need to compromise.
If I believe in limiting sugar, I can limit sugar. If I want to let him climb because I trust that he knows his own body, I don’t have someone second-guessing me (except maybe old ladies at the park, but I can ignore them), sneaking candy behind my back, or undermining my choices. I love it.
No Adult Arguments
Most couples argue at least some of the time, but there are absolutely no adult arguments in my house.
Don’t get me wrong. We still deal with tantrums, whining, toy-throwing, and classic toddler behavior (and that’s just coming from me! Joking… well, a little…). But kid drama has a completely different energy than adult conflict.
It isn’t harmless, but it blows over incredibly fast. I apologize when I’m at fault, and we are actively learning to respect each other’s space and moods. It is a chaotic work in progress, but the baseline of our home is peaceful.
I’ve Learned to Play
Before having my son, I did not play with kids. I don’t mean never, but you know there’s always that person who wants to hold the baby, play soccer with the kids, or do magic tricks? Yeah, that wasn’t me.
Then I was blessed with a boy who is a phenomenon. There was no way I was going to be allowed to sit on the sidelines.
Because of that, I’ve developed qualities I never knew I had. I love playing soccer with him (he’s four, so I’m still fast enough), and I run after him pretending to be a monster. It’s given me entirely new energy and a sense of fun. I am genuinely proud of what I’m capable of doing.
The Single Parent Posse
If you aren’t a single parent, you might not think this is a big deal, but it is everything.
Single parents are among the most resourceful, reliable people on the planet because they have no choice but to know how to get things done.
Whenever I need someone to help watch my son, my absolute go-to is another single mom. She always steps up with a full heart and a great attitude because she has a long history of just getting on with it herself.
There is an instant, unspoken understanding of the struggle between us. I am incredibly lucky to have a tight-knit posse of single parents who completely have my back.
Miracles and More Miracles
The truth is, surviving this lifestyle wouldn’t actually be possible without a few daily miracles. They always seem to happen at your absolute lowest moments.
It’s the miracle of being completely short on rent, only for a lawyer to call out of the blue to tell you a random check is coming from a source you forgot existed.
It’s feeling like you can’t make it through the afternoon, right when a fellow mom calls to invite you over for an impromptu playdate and dinner.
It’s waiting at the bus stop, feeling like your arms are going to snap from holding your sleeping child for another second, right as a friend pulls up and offers you a ride.
Because we are moving so fast and need the help so badly, we often don’t notice how amazing these moments are, but they’re absolute miracles, and they keep us afloat.
Being a Mother
Before I had my son, I remember looking at parenting and thinking that if motherhood was really what it looked like from the outside, I had no interest in it. You lose your freedom, your days are consumed by chores, and parents always seemed trapped doing seriously uncool things like sitting at the park, shouting “no,” and looking generally frazzled.
I figured there had to be some hidden secret because people kept choosing to do it over and over again.
Now that I am in it, here is the real secret: it is unfathomably worse than anything I could have imagined. Your kid will whine, throw epic tantrums, and do things that make your jaw drop.
But the part I didn’t factor in is how much you change. You become a completely different person.
While the mess and the tantrums aren’t pleasant, you don’t care. You actively look forward to going to the park and running around playing hide-and-seek because you’re just so thrilled that he is old enough to play.
Becoming a mom was the single best thing I have ever done, and I am thankful for it every day. I know it sounds sappy, but it is remarkably true.
I’ve become a better, fuller, and more powerful person, and that strength translates into every other area of my life. My choices were to be a single parent or not to be a parent at all. I am so incredibly thankful I chose this.
If you’re a single mom, either by choice or via divorce, have you found any upsides to it? What are your favorite parts?
