No, Seriously, You Do Not Get It

Hi there readers. Recently a few things happened to me that made me want to write something about it on Facebook, but then I thought this would probably be a better place to write it, so I could reach more people because I think it is a topic that is important to talk about.

People really don't get it. They think they do, but they don't. People have no idea what it means to be a divorced woman, a divorced mom, etc.

I was assigned a psychologist through a certain means that I cannot elaborate on, and the first time we met she turned me off so much that I never really wanted to have anything to do with her again. As I was talking about things in my life, being a divorced mom, she tried to tell me that she understood what I was going through because she was a widow. As our conversation progressed she kept on reitterating to me that she understood my challenges since she has been through similar as she is a widow.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't envy widows or widowers in any way. They suffer tremendously. It is quite devastating to lose a spouse you loved dearly; watching them die slowly, or if its a quick death- no matter what it is hard. But it simply is not the same as someone who got divorced. Painful, but different. (I can't possibly understand what it is like to be a widow as I've never gone through that. I'm sure there are many more painful things about it that I am not aware of. Hugs to anyone that is a widow.)

When someone gets divorced, the challenges are quite different than a widow faces. Instead of being sad about the loss of someone they loved, divorced people are often mourning the happy marriage that they never had. The death of a dream, the death of hope that the marriage will somehow get better. Often divorced people are dealing with significant trauma from abuse they've gone through. Many have PTSD from that trauma that affects them daily. And then they often have to deal with all the challenging issues involved in custody battles, continued abuse from their ex even though they no longer are married. Then if they even want to consider getting into another relationship there is all the trauma from the previous failed marriage and concern that maybe they'll make the same mistake again. And they have to deal with all the judgmental comments from people who blame you for the divorce, who think divorce is terrible and that you intentionally ruined your kids' lives, people who try to convince you to get back together with your ex, and many more things that, to be honest, ruin relationships between divorced people and these types of people. (And these situations are all too common.)

Yes, widows and divorced people know what its like to be in a society that expects a kid to have two parents married to each other, to be left out of couples social functions, to need to support themselves and run a home without a spouse. Both can be lonely. There are commonalities. But there are also huge, glaring differences. 

When a psychologist who is a widow tried telling me that she knows what I'm going through as a divorced mom because she's a widow, she's essentially reducing the struggles of a divorced mom down to the few things widows and divorcees have in common- raising a kid alone, and being lonely. It was so inappropriate and unprofessional that I honestly was so taken aback and disgusted by this psychologist and refused to meet her again because she frankly was totally out of line. (Maybe I could have discussed these issues with her, but I have trauma from confrontation thanks to my divorce....)

On another related note, also on the topic of people that just don't get it, I often hear and see people saying things like how they are "a single mom for the next 3 weeks" or something along that line while their husband is away. This also irks me to no end. Because it is not the same.

Yes, when someone is parenting when their spouse is away, it is challenging. When you're used to a second set of hands to help with the children, to help run the house, and all of a sudden you don't have that, whether it is for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or whatever, it is definitely difficult, I won't deny that. But that situation has even less in common with divorced single moms than widows do, as mentioned above.

These women whose husbands are away temporarily still have their husband's emotional support and have a partner to turn to emotionally when needed. They have someone who is equally as invested in their children as they are and they can discuss together how to raise their children and deal with issues that arise. They generally have a partner who is contributing financially to the household. And even if temporarily they aren't able to help with the day to day goings on at home, it is temporary, and whether in a few days, a few weeks, or a few months things will return and go back to "normal". There is none of the permanence that divorce or widowhood that actual single motherhood entails. There is none of the trauma that both divorcees and widows have, and there's no death, actual death or death of a dream. There isn't the social stigma. Essentially there is absolutely nothing in common between someone who's spouse is temporarily away and single moms.

When people say that they are "a single mom for the next 3 weeks" they are belittling the struggles that real single moms go through, and it is a complete lack of empathy and lack of tact to call it that. Its like if someone's eyes are closed and they say "Hey, I know what it's like to be blind". No, until you've gone through it, and it is actually something permanent, not something that goes away after a short while, you have no idea what it is like, and it is unfair to equate your situation to theirs. 

So that's my rant. People just don't get it. If you aren't a single mom, stop pretending you know what it's like because your husband is on a work trip. If you aren't a divorcee, please stop pretending you know what it is like.

Listen, I am glad that I chose to divorce. Divorce was preferable to staying in my marriage. My life is better now than when I was married. But that doesn't make life as a single divorced mom any less challenging.

So please don't belittle my challenges by talking as if you know what we're going through. You don't, End of story.