Burnt Out and Exhausted

I am so burnt out and so lacking energy, you have no idea. Even writing this post has taken a few days because of how little energy I have.

Right now the world is feeling very overwhelming for me.

Part of it is because it is summer break so the kids are home and the routine is off, as well as my kids expecting me to do something with them to entertain them, which often involves taking them on trips which is beyond exhausting. 

So far this summer I took one kid to an amusement park, I drove 2.5 hours each way for a camping and canoeing trip, I took a kid to visit her friend in another city, I took another kid to the aquarium, and next week the family is going on another camping trip, our yearly camping trip with my friend Michelle and her family, timed around the Perseids meteor shower.

We also fixed the water damaged ceiling and painted a lot of the central areas of our house, but I’ve been too exhausted to finish the job, let alone paint the kids’ room which was requested.

And that was just what I did with the kids.

I also drove to where we did our camping trip so I could teach a foraging class there (more on that in a future post) which exhausted me.

I also have had a lot of doctor and physical therapy appointments.

I had a colonoscopy under full anesthesia at a local hospital. All normal.

I went to a pain doctor to deal with my headaches stemming from my idiopathic intracranial hypertension but he wasn’t able to help me other than putting me back on a certain medication that I’d been on twice beforehand and taken off.

I went to the EDS trained neurologist I’d written about before; it was a 2.5 hour drive either way to see him, and my appointment was nearly 3 hours, so it was quite exhausting. He gave me a whole bunch of more tests he wants me to run. He suspects possible Eagle Syndrome which can cause the intracranial hypertension, also suspects craniocervical instability because of other nerve issues I have, not to mention the headaches. He gave me a whole bunch of tests to do including getting a CT of my entire spine and skull, X rays of my skull in flexion, etc…  He also wants me to get a blood pressure halter monitor as well. He had a suggestion for switching medication for the IIH, but he wants me to run it by my psychiatrist first because it can have an effect on emotional stability (for good or bad).

Because of all this driving places, the painting, and more, my body has hurt me more this past month than it has in a long time. I’ve spent so much time and energy and money going to physical therapy appointments. Usually I go to one a week, but I’ve been in so much pain that I’ve gone to 4 appointments within a span of 8 days, but for sure going twice a week. I went 10 times in one month instead of my usual 4. I also needed to go to urgent care twice to get muscle relaxant shots. As you can imagine, all this extra pain is debilitating and exhausting, all this traveling to appointments adds extra exhaustion to the mix, and the cost is tremendous because I pay for all these appointments privately.

On top of that, I’m taking a college course with 3 hours of class once a week, a lot of reading, and a few assignments over the course of the summer semester.

Add to that the fact that I haven’t slept through the night since May, since I was hospitalized with IIH, and I’m running on a constant sleep deficit, needing to take naps multiple times a day…

Did I mention I also have a house to run, children to take care of, and work to do, a blog to run, etc?

I have been so beyond exhausted and burnt out that the last few on the list haven’t been getting the attention they need…

My house has been a disgusting mess. My kids are trying to help, but I haven’t been doing my share. Making supper for the kids has been a huge chore for me, and I’ve bought takeout more times than I care to admit, and other suppers have been simple sandwiches, instant ramen, eggs, or cereal and milk…

My kids feel I’m not paying enough attention to them with all the time I’ve been out of the house at appointments, and when I’m home I’m sleeping or doing schoolwork, so they feel resentful… They also are irritated by the lack of “normal suppers” too.

And then there is work. Which is what is sliding the most. You might have noticed I haven’t been posting as frequently. When my body hurts me to sit up, sitting at the computer is simply not doable. And that’s just the physical. Because with everything else going on, writing posts is hard to do. Even focusing enough to write this post is incredibly challenging, and I’ve started and stopped multiple times writing it over the last few hours. And that is just writing posts.

Even responding to emails has been overwhelming for me. I went a week without reading my emails at least twice now, because opening up my email and seeing how many things I needed to respond to overwhelmed me so much that I just shut down. I missed a few work assignments because I didn’t respond to emails fast enough and get the work done in time.

I’m not even going to get started on writing invoices. I need the money, but writing invoices has been yet another chore on my miles long list and it’s what has slid the most. I still have to write invoices from mid July…

With all this, you can imagine how exhausted I feel physically. But that doesn’t cover it, because on top of it all, I feel burnt out emotionally. It is hard to not feel like a failure when I can’t seem to be keeping up with basic household tasks and my not-too-challenging work. It makes me feel like I was irresponsible to think I could go to school to learn something when my life as it is, is too challenging to keep up with. And that feels like that is yet another thing I’m failing it. And when I see the house in its state and I need to get things done and I just feel like I can’t, it isn’t just burnout I feel but anxiety, depression, and overall feelings of failure.

And when I feel like garbage about myself, it drains me even more of energy and makes it even harder for me to do what is necessary, which is a bad spiral.

This inability to work and take care of the house makes me even more determined to reapply for disability to hopefully get a higher percentage and a higher “inability to work” percentage because it would increase my disability payments. Additionally, I really need the extra payment for special services that disabled people can receive if they prove the need. This is exactly why there is the option to apply for an “increase in disability” locally, because my situation has gotten worse in many ways, with more diagnoses and things since I got approved for disability a few years back.

But, unfortunately, despite so much new paperwork that I’ve collected to use for this, I was told not to apply until I finish all this new round of testing that has been recommended for me, and I haven’t even started that process by going to my family doctor through the HMO with the paperwork from the neurologist to be able to make appointments for all the testing through the HMO. I still have another appointment in October, an over 2 hour drive away just like the neuro appointment, for a dysautonomia specialist, which I also need to have before I can apply for disability stuff. So there’s at least a 2 month wait before I can move forward there.

When I try to see a way out of my current situation, I see a few things.

First off, I am hoping that once the kids are back in school when summer break is over in about 3 weeks, I’ll feel less stressed because the kids won’t be home clammoring for me to entertain them, they won’t be going to sleep at 2 am like they have been which means I don’t get any break at night in addition to not having a break during the day.

Them being in school means they also won’t want me to be taking them on lots of trips, which will mean going out less and being less exhausted from all the trips. And it hopefully will mean my body hurting less so I’ll need less time at physical therapists and less exhaustion from all those visits.

Also my therapist has been on vacation and I haven’t seen her in nearly 3 weeks, which means my emotional state is less perfect- I hope going back to regular therapy sessions will help with the burnout feeling…

Beyond that, I don’t know. I’m hoping that some of the testing I’ll be doing will figure out why I’m so beyond tired, and give me the energy to keep functioning. But Im assuming if my pain levels are down, everything will be better.

I wish I had a better note to end this on, but I don’t have. Hoping that there will be some light in the tunnel once summer vacation is over.